Growing up, how did your parents deal with issues and difficulties? Did they encourage you to talk honestly and openly? Did they tend to explode with anger, shouting obscenities in the heat of the moment? Did they chose to pretend that everything was normal and refuse to discuss anything in preference to sweeping any uncomfortable issues under the carpet? Each of these responses will create an internal build up of emotions that affects the energy and emotional stability you possess as the adult you are today.
The Volcano – when an individual demonstrates explosive reactions to situations that appear out of proportion to the actual incident this usual signals they have buried negative emotions that have been triggered. I completely disagree with the old saying “sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you”. The emotional intensity behind angry words can create just as much damage as physical abuse. The husband that shouts at his wife, the father that threatens his children, the man who seeks to control and dominate by using intimidation and power. Do you know an individual who dominates discussions and is on ‘loud transmit’ appearing oblivious to the reactions of others? Have you encountered someone who uses put downs and sarcasm to entertain even when their words are cruel and cutting? Growing up in an environment of violent outbursts (even if these outbursts are more often verbal ones) tends to create children who either grow up believing that it’s acceptable to control and dominate others or children who grow up to become habitual people pleasers.
The Glacier – when an individual refuses to discuss matters or uses ‘the silent treatment’ to show their disapproval. This type of passive aggressive behaviour is also extremely controlling and children may often feel they are walking on egg shells around this type of person. The mother who refuses to discuss any disagreement in the belief that her opinion is always right. The wife who blames her husband for past mistakes and demonstrates icy coldness towards him. The woman who has become embittered and hardened by life causing her to become inflexible, critical and judgemental. Do you know people who refuse to forget the past mistakes of others and bottle up their anger and find fault in everything everyone says or does? This refusal to discuss issues in a fair, open and equal way is also very controlling because it fails to honour the other person’s perspective and creates a silo mentality. “I don’t want to discuss it any more so let’s just forget it” – more negativity is pushed under the surface increasing the pressure even further. What are these people so scared of? Children who grow up with a Glazier tend to either close down emotionally and erect their own icy boundaries or will crave approval from others.
The Mountain – when an individual speaks openly and honestly from their heart whilst seeking to truly understand what the other person is saying. This strengthens and develops mutual respect and creates a solid foundation for relationships. The father that asks their child for their opinion, the mother who actively listens to their daughter. The parent who allows their growing teenager the freedom to make their own mistakes and choose their own path. The individual who is genuinely interested in other people and celebrate diversity and the wonder of uniqueness. This behaviour demonstrates that all peoples’ views are valid and that there is no ‘right or wrong’ way only infinite ways of thinking and doing. Children who grow up in an environment of Mountain behaviour will be strong, resilient and possess high levels of confidence and self esteem. They will view others through the eyes of compassion and curiosity that conveys respect and genuine interest. These people will naturally create a feeling of calm strength in others and prefer to ‘empower’ rather than wield ‘power’ over others.
During my one-to-one sessions I am continually amazed with how many of my clients are affected by the past and also present behaviours of their parents. Smart, successful and together (well, they look ‘together’ on the surface) people will revert to childhood programming around their parents. Trying to create a positive change by working within the constraints of the conscious mind will often result in failure because these parental issues were not installed within your adult self they were installed when you were a child and growing up. Often the quickest way to transform your life is to help your younger self find peace and acceptance of past traumas and difficulties. There are a number of high impact techniques that will help you to do this including Matrix Reimprinting, Timeline Therapy, EMO trance and Hypnosis.
As a parent myself I am mindful of the impact my behavioural choices have on Rose my twenty year old daughter. Sometimes in my desire to help her, my behaviour can appear to her to be very controlling. My maternal instinct causes me to want to wrap her in cotton wool yet I know that she needs to develop her own resilience and cotton wool blocks the definition of her own inner strength. Sometimes I’ve lost my temper and been a Volcano. This immediately causes her to either shout back or withdraw emotionally. Other times I’ve used the silent treatment until the hurt in her eyes causes me to feel ashamed of myself. Despite my imperfections as a mother – I am always prepared to say sorry and to talk and discuss issues, problems and difficulties that Rose or myself have. My intention for Rose is that she feels free to walk her own path knowing that she has my unconditional love with her every step of the way. I don’t want her to feel obligated towards me and if she wants to spend time with me that’s wonderful and if she doesn’t then that’s ok too. Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs on the planet because of the emotional connection of intense love mixed with your own past programming received from your own parents whilst you were growing up.
So what does this have to do with charisma? I believe that we are all born with an abundance of charisma within us. Parental programming, our environment and traumas, hardship and tough times unwittingly trigger a primal need to protect ourselves. So we put up a wall, then another wall and another until we have built so many walls we have lost touch with who we really are at our core. When we act in a way that is out of alignment with who we truly are inside we appear fake, superficial or not genuine. This blocks our flow of charisma. When we feel safe and are brave enough to dismantle our walls then we reconnect to who we truly are inside. This is when we are at our most charismatic.
In my own life my most important value is to be true to myself and I have learned to speak out from my heart. I find it impossible to act as if everything is normal when it’s not. I struggle to do superficial chatting because the other person fears we uncover a contentious issue. I have let go of the need to ‘fix’ everyone I meet because trying to fix others presupposes they need to be fixed! I value people who are authentic, compassionate and non judgemental. I try really hard to live my life reflecting these values and sometimes I get it a bit wrong. Yet if I keep these values awakened within me then maybe my behaviour will create mountains in the minds of others.
Years ago BT launched an advertising campaign based on the principle that ‘it’s good to talk’. The ability to speak out with kindness and sensitivity enables those around us to grow and flourish. The ability to listen beyond words to the views and opinions of others builds connections, respect, understanding and in parental relationships – deep unconditional love. I remember reading a beautiful book by Dr Wayne W. Dyer that said something along the lines of “How others treat me is their path: how I react is mine.”